Barton Town: The End Of An Ear
by Bye Cruel WorldYes, it's true, it is our sad duty to exclusively confirm that Barton Town are to disband at the end of this season. The Star will also be forced to close down the presses since we can't survive on "Bush falls on small cat" stories alone.
It's been a funny old season. Town scraped into 6th place in Yang again - it should have been a lot better, but it could have been a lot worse. Anyway, many fans have defected to the Barton Obese Young Offenders Seven-a-side (BOYOS) team since at least their games have some semblance of entertainment value.
The resulting shortfall in the club's finances have forced farsighted, but selfish, chairman Bob `Big Wad' Ramshackle to put the ground up for sale. We asked Bob if he was selling the whole outfit as a going concern or if he was going to take the money and run by selling the ground off to supermarket giants Safesbury's - who, as we all know, have been trying to get the land for years to extend their combined shopping, bingo and taxidermy complex.
Bob's official statement was rather short on printable passages but the gist of it reads "I've given this club 15 years of my life ... the coaches and players are completely useless [edited] ... everyone can get stuffed for all I care." We would have pressed Bob further, regardless of his two 18 stone sons/bodyguards, but our photographer had to dash off for a different type of film and I had an urgent dental appointment.
Players useless? At least one of the players has had a good season and that's Richard Creasey. Explanations vary wildly but Richard has refused to either confirm or deny rumours that he is having an affair with the sultry actress Tina Sierra. As for the others, the phrase "Useless as a chocolate teapot" has been repeated more times on the terraces this year than I've had hot peas ... and I like peas.
Actually, none of the players were available for comment today. Some had better excuses than others - Stuart McWilliam was reportedly admitted to the `Betty Boo clinic for the hallucinogenically pestered' last week. This may help to explain some of his appalling goalkeeping mistakes over the last season, especially the one where he ran behind the goal shouting "get away, get away, potatoes shouldn't carry guns!" - Richard Atkinson, on the other hand, would only say that he couldn't talk just now because he was working on a particularly complex new gurn.
Dubious rumours, claims and counter claims have been rampantly bouncing off every available eardrum in Barton over the last few weeks. Everything from the quite plausible story that manager Richard Taylor had been abducted by space aliens at the end of Season 9 and replaced by a poor attempt at a 3D football manager sim-automata; to the quite ridiculous report that the majority of the team were about to reform under the name "Wacky Waving Wallabies" and the management of one Wee-Jock Pooh-Pong McPlop (of Aberdeen).
What do the fans think? We hit the streets of Barton to find out your thoughts.
"It is sad. I remember the old days when X. Clusive and X.Pel were knocking in goals like shelling peas ... and X. Cessive and X.Celsior kept goal like heroes ... and then we brought in all these local boys who couldn't kick a dead dog." Jack `Sprat' Pogglewick
"I don't care what anyone says, Richard Creasey is still gorgeous and I want to have his babies ... again." Miss X
"I blame the government and VAT. You just can't expect to get the best with VAT at 17.5% can you. I mean, all our best lads are bound to go swanning off to your DC Milan and Sam-Doreen because they don't have the VAT over there do they." Fred Armshaw
"Hopefully it'll only be temporary. I bet we'll soon see some business concertium come in and take over - then Town will rise again. Of course, we'll need some businesses first..." Johnny Franklin
"At least we have the memories. The Cup win, the two League Championships and all those great players like Billy The Fish and Cindy Crawford ... oh, that was Southampton was it? Who were Barton then?" Mrs Joan Fowler
"The Star's going too? Oh no, now that's a terrible disaster." Some bloke who's name we lost, but he really did say that.
Also from the fans - we asked for your votes on Town's best Cup and League moments. Here are the results -
Best Cup Moment - beating GUN in Season 7
Min 78: BT header by X. Pel ...
... sneaks in at the near post. GOAL!!
... Mark Spilman is credited with the assist.
... score now: BT 1 - GUN 0
That goal took us into the next round and we went on to reach the semi-finals without conceding a single goal. Defeat in that semi-final by Chowny's SAR left us up against an angry (and still great then) AA who narrowly failed to wipe us of the face of the earth (score 5-1).
Best League Moment - winning Western in Season 8
Team LP W D L GF:GA --------------------------------------------- Barton Town 26 11 4 3 44:12 Seattlelites 25 12 1 5 40:19 Campbell's Clansmen 23 8 7 3 17: 8
This was a tough battle all the way - back in the days when divisions were divisions, teams were teams and managers were great big hairy monsters with big teeth, sharp spears and no shoes. Unfortunately, every silver lining has a cloud and the disappointment of the season was that Town didn't get promoted and both SEA and MCC did...
So, it used to be fun. We had our moments. Now I guess that about wraps it up for Barton Town.