Barton Town EFC
Barton Town (BT) was an electronic football team managed by Richard Taylor. Formerly known as the X-Men, the team was languishing in the 3rd division (Western) when I took over in season 6 ... and it stayed there for a while afterwards too. After finally winning promotion in season 9 we safely remained in the 2nd division (Yang) until our retirement at the end of season 11.
You can't keep a good team down and you can't keep Barton Town down either. The team is unlikely to be resurrected sometime in the near future...
Our league record and cup record are available for your perusal.
Press
The "Barton Star", the local paper that told it like it really happened, went out of print with the demise of the old Town regime. Here's the final issue and how our roster looked back then.Town press will reappear exclusively in the "Barton Evening Telegraph".
Top players
These players are in no way related to people I know who coincidentally have exactly the same names and come from Barton-on-Humber, Lincolnshire.- Stuart McWilliam - GK, on the bottom rung of the ladder to true greatness and suffering from vertigo. Mac claims he once made a save with his eyes open, but no-one believes him. Hobbies include aligator wrestling, knitting and cooking (just don't mention butter).
- Ian Blackwell - SW, Inky was my first new recruit to the team. He's been one of the best sweepers around but his brush is getting a bit worn now. A former world morris dancing champion, Inky is now happily married and, with wife Lucy, looking forward to the arrival of their first fitted kitchen next January.
- John Stevenson - DF, words like skill, finesse, control and artistry are completely alien to John ... but he is very big and has a temper like a bull-elephant that's just stepped on its favourite beer-glass. Recently voted person least likely to say "can I help you?" by Barton Star readers.
- Andrew Bowman - DF, a thinking man's defender. Bosun has been compared to all the best ... unfortunately he wasn't like any of them. Still holds the national haggis juggling record which he set in 1983. Now married, Andrew has taken up ice-sculpture and his favourite colour isn't beige.
- David Ransford - MF, Tranny spent some time in the Navy as an apprentice missile polisher but, disillusioned with his career propects, he returned to Barton and football to become one of our brightest young prospects. He spends much of his spare time writing poetry and has a surprisingly large collection of antique shoe-laces.
- Richard Creasey - MF, Killer is probably the fans' favourite player and is usually top scorer on and off the field. Alleged to be the father of over one hundred and seventeen illegitimate children, he is reportedly able to say "is that a shotgun?" in an incredibly calm manner. No time for hobbies.
- X. Clusive - MF, the last of the great X-Men. Still playing, and captaining the side, but not scoring as many as he used to since he became allergic to that stuff they make the goal-nets from. President of the British Monogram Revival Society and tireless worker for numerous charities helping the alphabetically disadvantaged.
- Phil Houghton - FW, Phil is an accomplished cricketer ... so why's he playing football? A classic all-rounder who has obviously modelled himself on the great Ian Botham - a few more pounds and he'll be there. Used to play golf until he was wounded in a freak putting accident, now prefers a relaxing game of tiddly-winks.
- Richard Atkinson - FW, Akker is our star forward so it's a shame he's so crap. Hardly ever scores these days due to a complete collapse of confidence, believed to have been caused by losing his North of England gurning title (held for 7 years) to a chap from Huddersfield called Frank.
- Mark Spilman - FW, inspiration for that great Barton Town song "Spill Will". Expert at shooting with a smile and scoring last minute goals. Flirted with a modelling career for several years until disagreements with Airfix brought him back to football. Passtimes include ferret breeding and amateur dramatics.
- Kiernan Doherty - UT, first Town player to be reincarnated, stirring up rumours that he is actually a leprechaun. Double winner of both "best haircut" and "snazziest shirts" categories in the Barton Star poll of polls of polls. The ultimate bachelor, Kiernan is a keen gardener and proudly boasts the best early potatoes in Barton.